The topic Ive been itching to write about for so long – “Single Mums”, -yes I know there are single Dads too, but I have obviously never been one of them, so Im far better equipped to write about my experience with single mums, from not only being one, but counseling them when they see me for readings, and of course I have some great friends that are single mums too. There is obviously something very real when someone has personally experienced what they are speaking or writing about rather than something they have only witnessed or maybe read about , so I couldn’t miss the opportunity to apply my love of writing and helping people to the subject of single mums.
I began to write about this a few years ago, however when reading back over what Id written I thought to myself , ‘seriously Renee this is so negative, no one is going to benefit from reading this’. Im pleased that I could at least see that much clearly, and waited till such a time I could find a better place to write from, there is much to be gained from what I wrote back then, and I’ve certainly applied some of my notes here, but I’m able to cover things far more positively now, so its not completely the poor me story that it was looking like before. Lets face it, its not an entirely positive experience being a single Mum, and I wanted to keep it real, however dwelling on the negative will certainly not assist you in moving forward and finding that internal happy space . The fact of the matter is this, when we make choices we make them with all with the information and life experience we have at that moment, sometimes we make what we might see as the wrong choice in hindsight, but at the time we were just doing the best we could with what we had, usually if that choice goes on to influence our future in a negative way we simply choose differently next time, however there are a few choices - the really big ones in life that can really start to narrow down our options or choices in the long term. Choosing a particular partner would be a single choice, committing to them another, marriage the next maybe, further and further in and you choose to have a child together, and then what happens when one person opts out of their parental responsibilities? Although Ive seen women do this too I’m writing for single mums here. The womens choices all of a sudden have diminished, you are now sitting there thinking how could I possibly have ever chosen this mess for myself?! Suddenly at best you get a shared care arrangement with your ex partner, that you mutually agree on and you haven’t been dragged through the court system, but then you spend half the time he has the kids missing your own children and some of their milestones. Although some selected might see this time as a break, that can very much depend on how important you feel it is for you and for your kids if they are young to do things like tuck them into bed every night. Maybe all you have ever dreamed about was being a Mum and being part of a family unit, and while trying to emotionally recover from the demise of the relationship and accept that your family has just split in two, you are being forced to work on being mature and accept that your partner may even have a new women in their life that is then .. ouch ..playing a mother figure roll to your own children. You sit there at home on the weekend thinking weekends were going to be about bbq’s ,the kids playing happily in the pool, other families visiting, but instead it’s just you sitting there with other families not all that interested in catching up with a single women - no one for your friends hubby to talk to, and no one for the kids to play with, so girlfriends want to catch up when their husband is at work and kids at school but darn, you now have kids to support so during the week you’re working. Meanwhile, the father of your children, your ex partner may be off playing happy families with another woman and even with friends that were yours when you were together. Sounds like something from a horror movie rather than a real life story and yes you have to be mature and act in the best interest of the kids and totally forget that you have a heart and its being torn apart. Youre life resembles something of a nightmare and you wonder what happened, and where you may have gone wrong, or maybe you hold resentment and blame him, anything to alleviate the pain of the reality. Hey and this was the best case scenario we started with don’t forget. Ok that’s a little exaggerated. You might have agreed to go your own ways you are in a happy place, he is in a happy place you love his new partner and she loves you so much so that you do a Bruce Willis and Demi Moore and socialise together. The kids love everyone, everyone loves everyone and nothing is wrong. That’s true best case but I did say I wanted to keep this realistic without being negative. Tough gig I can tell you. And all I did was apply little bits of stories there from people Ive spoken with.
Lets try worst case then for size. You have a little one dependent on you 24/7 emotionally, financially, and physically with no help from the very person that co created the child with you. You are indeed captain of the ship at all times and yet possibly without the luxury of a sail. You receive no child support, you call up Child Support Agency to be told child support is based on the fathers last taxable income, you explain that he didn’t do a tax return and earned cash as far as you know, and they ask you to prove that. What would come under reasonable proof one might ask? Im not really sure says the child support agency. Amusing. I so desperately want to launch into my own personal story here for pure entertainment value and its taking all my might to control my fingers on the key board not to so.
So anyway, there you are alone, the father isn’t interested in how your coping or his very own child, when you discipline your child they cry for Daddy - yes that same Daddy that’s done the runner and expects you not only to care for the child 24/7 but somehow hold down a job to support that child too because he is giving no time and no money. Meanwhile he may tell friends he wishes you would not be so bitter and that you need to get out get a life and meet someone else. But of course its what you dreamed of isn’t it? the constant groundhog day of going from work to the day care that you may not have wanted your child in (because you wanted to be with them one on one during the younger years) then home to cook, clean, prepare for the next day, then to sleep, wake up, and do it all again the next day. To which that long goes by you have the time or money for a manicure or to get your hair done, you feel exhausted and in no mood to go and jump into the dating scene. Well meaning friends force you to get out at least on a few dinner dates but you sit looking at the person opposite you and he is a man. You launch into some horror stories about your ex and he goes home hardly feel invigorated and wanting to catch up in a hurry.
Now that Ive moved a few miles to say the least, down my own spiritual path, I feel a little more enthusiastic that I can help others including my own poor me stories only for the purpose of articulating to you that ‘ I get it - I really get it’ and that Ive really been there . You might now be reading this thinking like I used to- that surely there is no one else going through a situation as bad as me. Regardless of if we are single Mums or not it’s an easy and habitual way of thinking for some of us. And a great example comes to mind of how we are all so caught up in our own worlds to realise there is always someone far worse off. No one cares about that when they are in the middle of pressure stress or pain, I remember when my little boy was teething and screaming as a baby, I hadn’t slept in over a week for more than 2 hours at a time I was beyond delirious, getting $6.38 child support and trying to run a business to support us. My girlfriend jumps on the phone one morning to have a vent (as we do), she starts with how she cant believe her husband that is on a work trip for 2 days and has opted to get the later flight back which would give him an extra half a day in Sydney before returning home. She complained she would have to bath and get the little one sorted whilst trying to do dinner and hadn’t yet done her list for the cleaning lady that would be there at 8 am, why should he have a cruisy night to himself while she is left with it all... Im guessing at that point something must have triggered the maniac button in me, I began screaming at her - For Gods sake are you kidding me? Are you seriously that dis connected from reality? ( Im a blithering mess at this point), aggressively chanting well you know what? My husbands gone, and not for 2 days for work! - he is gone for ever. He is not returning, not ever, do you hear me? Im left to do the whole lot by myself and I cant afford a cleaning lady, Im thinking about how I can afford food. And you think you have got something to whinge about. UHHGH and I hang up on her. Angry at her lack of awareness or sympathy angry at my ex and angry at myself for choosing my ex. All in all just angry really. Then the anger comes coupled with the resentment, a lot of single mums resent that the ex partner has the financial and physical freedom to do what they want. Due to just plain old love, most Mums are programmed to not neglect their children, even if it comes at a cost to themselves constantly, so naturally we are going to resent if the male being the father of our children doesn’t have that same sense of desire to stand up and help support a person that he agreed to bring into this world. When the child is born and a father tries to refund the parental responsibility financially emotionally and physically, naturally the mother is going to feel helpless, burdened and then guilty for seeing her own children as a burden, anger that they are not able to be the best example of themselves and their own mothering ability while under constant pressure, frustration that they don’t even have the luxury to express their pain in case it affects their children.
You can quite easily see why a single mum might come across bitter and twisted. The thing is though, as justified as what it may be, being in that state is not going to draw anything or anyone good into your life. So the cycle can keep going until you make a conscious choice to stop it. The only person that can stop it is you. It means digging really deep. It means accepting we might be angry and that the situation is unfair, and that we are disappointed and fed up, but meeting those feelings head on so that we can let go of them is where Im going to go with this. Letting go is the most simple thing to say really, people say it all the time don’t they? Just let go. But really, it’s the only way out of the prison. You forgive your ex not for his benefit but for yourself. Do you think when he is out on a Saturday night whooping it up, or sleeping in till noon on a Sunday he is sweating over you? No. He cares only for himself. And its about time you started caring for yourself which means not letting other determine your emotional state. Its about finding that happy place inside no matter how deep you have to dig and tapping into as many times as possible in a day to start lifting yourself out of the rut. Bit by bit you will get there but its just about practicing being grateful for any little thing you can think of, as silly as it might be. I used to say to myself Im so grateful Ive got food Im so gratefull for my car to get to day care Im so greatfull for 4 hours sleep then 5 hours then 6 until I was so greatufll to be sleeping through the night, it all comes in steps and the more grateful you are for what you have the easier you ride the wave into inviting more in that you have to be grateful about. It’s a little trick I use to trick my mind into positive thoughts so it draws in more that I will genuinely feel positive about .
Posible positive affirmations or thoughts that might get you started when your childs father is non existant in you and your childrens life.
You learn to become grateful the children don’t have a father coming and going at his convenience and feel blessed that by doing it alone you are shielding them from the pain of an inconsistent demonstation of love by the father.
They are not witnessing an unhealthy dynamic between their two parents thinking that what they see is at all normal.
If you are still hurting from the demise of the relationship you are getting time to heal without having to accept your kids having another mother figure aside from you in their life.
You have complete say over their ideals, over their lifestyle, their bed time, their manners, their diet, you solely provide them a sense of belonging and security for which you receive all the love
