So often families or partners will use the phrase " I love you" and whilst it is complete music to most of our ears, it can be a confusing phrase if it is not coupled with gestures or acts where love is being demonstrated and applied to in various inpromptue scenarios.
This isnt just about men demonstrating love by doing the dishes when we want flowers and poetry or visa versa, its about really needing the demonstration of love to kick start the actually feeling of love.
Ill firstly use the example of women I speak to in the women's refuge. Here they are black and blue inside and out and when asked if they are thinking about returning to their abusive environment a majority of them quietly mutter in between sobs I don't want to, I know I shouldn't " But I love him". My goodness most people gasp, how could she love him after he did that to her? Is that a sign of unconditional love or would you think she has lost perspective on what real love is as we know it to be? Whilst this scenario could be broken down and opinions given that a psychologist could have a field day with, the most important point is not whether the love she feels for this person is real or not, but does she love herself enough to remain with someone who has the inability to demonstrate love as most people know it and does she even know what real love is to know that this treatment comes from someone that doesnt have the ability to demonstrate the love that he might feel. That's why it is not uncommon for example, to hear of women that think they got hit by the 'unlucky stick' by having 3 consecutive partners that all happened to be violent. It s just the same life lesson over and over again to pose the question and force the soul to evolve to the point of the million dollar question - are you ready to love yourself yet? He isn't demonstrating love to you, because you are not demonstrating love to yourself by way of boundaries, and so the cycle goes until what I always call the Universal King hit that comes in begging the question do you get it yet? And if you don't love yourself, lets start looking at why.
This can be a painful process to get to the core of, and blame is bound to come knocking on the door because ultimately the love we receive from our parents usually defines what we think love is. And if we haven't been shown that in a way that means something to us there is every chance your parents parents fell short in that area during their childhood too.
How we see Mum and Dad interact with each other before we even understand the words is the witnessing of the demonstration of love that gets stored in that little file way back in our head labelled 'love'. Did your dad worship your mum or did he take charge and belittle her, or was she his equal? How did she react to however he was treating her - with love and honour for herself or the helpless victim? it becomes ingrained in us so early, possibly even before that when we are babies, you think about it - we cry we get cuddled and we feel loved, or maybe your mum believed in controlled crying and only picked you up after so many minutes to teach you that your are not in control of how often she is to demonstrate love by cuddling you, and that she is in fact calling the shots. Ive often heard mothers say of new babies screaming in the cot "Oh he just wants attention", wow I think, yes of course what a manipulative 5 week old. ( That is purely my opinion as many mothers stand by the practice of controlled crying) I wonder though if tests have been taken on them as Adults to see the affect of such a method and if those same adults are still yelling please comfort me - but just in ways a thirty or forty something person does.
You only have to watch the news to see children that have been serverely mistreated when they are being dragged off by child services, and yet are crying and holding their little arms out for the very people that mis treated them. Is it unconditional love, or is it simply the only version of love they know? Or maybe it was part of thier life lesson to skip out on that love and they have a calling to help the masses that missed love in the early stages of life and have an understanding and comprehension or an awareness that you couldnt have unless you too were denied that demonstration of love so early on. Maybe they go on to do it to their own children or maybe they have been put here in this life as a catalyst of change to break the cycle, and be the opposite to thier own children.
Even as adults we sometimes live by the saying better the devil you know. We stick to what is familiar, not because it is normal but because we mistake familiarity thinking its comfortable when its anything but.
Have you ever stopped to ask yourself where you normal bar has been set? And if it just familiarity you reasonating with. Are you drawing in what you think is comfortable because its familiar ?and have you become familiar with a version of love only to keep finding out its really not that comfortable?
The big thing is what is the lesson to be learned when we are not being demonstrated love.? Forgiveness is the answer to almost anything in my opion including that. If you want to really grasp the concept of why forgiveness is so powerful go out and get yourself a great book called Radical Forgiveness by Colin Tipping.
Its not about forgiving someone for treating you horribly, its forgiving that they weren't at a level to not only know better, but to apply better, forgive that maybe they love you but for whatever the reason have the inability to demonstrate love in a language that you understand. .
You forgive them for yourself to be free, because how can you then go on to demonstrate love to others holding on to all the resentment from the love you didnt feel? Then they didnt just affect you, they could possibly by default start affecting everyone you are in contact with. It has to stop somewhere so why not stop it at you by raising your awareness in this area.
If you are not feeling loved you are unlikely to keep responding with love, and you only hurt yourself - although responding with love may just be what the doctor ordered. I read a great book once called How Would love Respond - Kurek Ashley. Fabulous examples of how to turn situations around to respond with love no matter what, as a gift to yourself.
When someone fails to demonstrate love to you and you hit them back with love, there is only so much fight they can come back with, its natural that all of a sudden the situation begins to soften and the miracles of demonstrating love unfold.
My biggest life lessons came from a mother that told me non stop how much she loved me but her demonstration of love seemed non existent in my eyes. An example would be one like this : Id live in a certain area and she wouldn't visit for up to a year, when Id ask her why not, she would say - well Renee, you know I don't drive on the highway - which is true, she doesn't like to drive freeways. But each of the homes I lived in, I found there were always back streets available that could take her from her place to mine, sure they might have been the long way around, but they would have still got her there. To me, if I loved someone Id not only find out if there were back streets but if not, Id get a plane train and automobile to help me.
Because she didn't demonstrate love how I would, I constantly assumed she didn't love me. But just because you do something to demonstrate love doesn't mean others do the same and doesn't necessarily mean they dont love you.
Its funny with the healing and reading work I do now just how many women I seem to attract with various mother issues of the same nature. They start out with ahh Renee, seriously you cant possible imagine my mother. I take a big understanding compassionate breath full of love and light and reply yes my friend I do I really really do. And silently thank my Mum for the way she is because it gives me a level of understanding for so many people that I couldn't have experienced without her as my lesson. I forgive that she doesn't demonstrate love in a way I like and I am mindful that the people I have in my life I require to possess that ability to demonstrate love in ways that are important to me.
Our parents children or partners are often the characters put into our life to instigate growth and change at a soul level, so its by no mistake that they can be difficult lessons to navigate through. If someone around you does not, or cannot demonstrate love in a way which you need it, thank them and accept your lesson might be to demonstrate love to yourself first, and you will be suprised how many people feel comfortable loving, and being loved by someone who can demonstrate love not only to others but to themselves first.
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